Just HAD to share this one

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Even if you don't knit, you at least have to admire that elaborate sweater the pooch is wearing. This makes me not look so obsessed! Of course, dog clothes haters will not be impressed. So for the haters just try to sit there and do nothing when your little dog is shivering from head to toe staring at you "Helpz me! I freezin" Just try to ignore that. If you can ignore it, you must NOW leave my blog and never return. lol

As for me, I'm still working on Christmas projects. I know it's over, but in my family they all accept that Cara always underestimates how many days the project will take. She also forgets that she can't knit at super-speed. Gotta work on that. And finally: I wouldn't be Cara if I am I not always late. Acceptance of these rules is essential in my family. Pretty poor excuses, huh. Pitiful, but nonetheless true. I shall finish them next week (read: next, next, next week) and be on to a new hat order. If I was having a better day, I'd post some recent project pictures. Alas, not a good headache day. I guess from the headache's point of view it's a roaring success. I must go now, my visions getting all funky and I seem to be best friends with the 'delete' key. Brain has taken the day off and I think I'll join it. Besides, if you think about it I must go where my brain does or I would have become the medical miracle case who solved what all doctors couldn't: sending my brain to detention so it can deal with the migraines and I don't have to suffer from that punishment too. Oh, wishful thinking. Lost all coherent thought, doubt anyone followed along with that thought process. Leaving now.

Have a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas to All

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I have been busy knitting like a mad woman. Why I do this to myself every year I will never know. Actually I know....I am the Queen of Procrastination!! Queen of all Queens! The bonus to making my own gift is that I only have to purchase 3 gifts that I'm not making. This definitely saves moolah. Yea! I even used my own stash yarn so I didn't even have to buy yarn. I do have enough stash yarn to outlast me even if I knitted every minute of every day for the next 60 years. I have issues, but I guess you already knew that one. I thought I'd take just a few minutes and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Here's a couple of projects I have finished lately:
Scarf & hat for my chilly nephew who recently moved to Duluth, MN. I'm jealous. Knitting makes much more sense living in cold climates.
Binary Hat for a friend of hubby. He requested I design it and make one for him. Can I just say, I COMPLETELY undersold myself on this one. It took hours and hours of designing and reworking to get it right. It actually says "J***** N*********, King of the Pirates" That was worth so much more than the $20 I quoted him. He loves it though. I'll get a handle on this pricing thing eventually. But I seriously cheated myself on this one.
One for me!!! I think I deserve it. One of my knitting peeps made this yarn and dyed it for me. Yes, people, she spun the yarn and dyed it. Funny how so many people's jaws drop when I tell them she MADE the yarn. The first word out of every one's mouth is, "how????" I think images of ancient spinning wheels come into their minds with little old ladies slaving away like Rapunzel spinning her hair into gold. Yes, my friends, young and not geeky people knit. Believe it or not. Here's a close-up of the cable work on the hat.
I think it turned out beautifully. Great for those, "I don't wanna do my hair days." She gave this to me in exchange for a hat I'm making from some more of her hand-dyed yarn. I should probably get on that soon. AFTER the Holidays!!
Last, but certainly not least, a Gryffindor house hat from Harry Potter for my favorite sis (you know who you are) This is to match her house scarf she's had for a number of years now. Finally a complete set! Whoo hoo!! It's so warm, soft, and toasty I think I'm gonna need one too. It looks good on me.

Back to knitting now! Next post I shall share my new additions to the ever encompassing stash and my birthday gifts (think sparklies!!!)

And now Nemo will sing a special song just for YOU!!

Nemo's Related to a Wookie

chewbacca, star wars, yorkshire terrier, yorkie">
see famous look-a-like faces

Hee Hee! Nemo's related to Chewbacca!  I knew he had some famous relatives.  

I'll try to post pictures of my latest projects.   I've been knitting like crazy.  Wish me luck on getting Christmas presents done by Christmas (usually I finish by February)

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.  Eat, Sleep, and Be Miserable (and you thought I was going to say Be Merry)

Life

And this is why I love Yorkies!!!

I'm a woman of few words lately.  Been too tired.  Seems like hubby and I are tramping all around the country.  In the last 4 weeks we've been to Little Rock 3 times and Nashville twice.  Hubby had a big interview week before last in Gallatin.  He should find out next week if he got it or not.  I don't want to admit to how disappointed we will both be if he doesn't get it.  The prospects of moving and changing our daily life is very encouraging.  We could both use a change of pace.  Plus, it puts me close to my sis and mom.  That'd be really cool.  Of course, if we don't move it would be a lot less stressful.  How does one sell a house in this market??  ack!  

I've finally found a friend like me that doesn't work and needs company during the day.  I love her!  She's awesome.  I spent the day with her Tuesday and am going back over on Friday, plus I'll see her tonight at our weekly knitting group.  It's so great to have someone to be crafty with.  She lives very close to my hubby's work, so he just drops me off and picks me up after work.  It's a great arrangement especially since we only have one car.  Who needs two cars when only one of us works?  Made sense to me!  Well, I'm shutting up now.  

NAP TIME ;)

This is why I DON'T have a cat!!

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Pain Management????

Yet again I went to a new pain management doctor, and yet again, I get no help!! I want SOMEONE to explain to these doctors that they are involved in false advertisement. I mean, really, how can you advertise that your Pain Management and then refuse to help the pain. This is my third attempt at a pain management doc. Numero Uno at least tried to work on me for awhile. He tried numerous nerve blocks in my neck and none of them cured the pain. He did put me on narcotics for a few months, then suddenly said "you have failed treatment." Me, FAIL???? If you ask me HE FAILED!! or at least my BODY failed, but I, personally, did not FAIL! How dare he blame me for my migraines. Jerk! I want to get better and the audacity of a doctor to accuse me of not wanting to get better is asinine!

The biggest problem with migraines is they are not a visible illness. You can't see them. Migraines don't show up on CT Scans or MRIs. My brain looks normal the problem is it doesn't feel normal. And, yes, my brain is in there; I've seen it! Vanderbilt did an MRA and it was very cool to actually SEE my brain. It's picture perfect. I wish it showed something. Even a tiny sign on my brain that says: Pain starts here would be fantastic. Then the doctors could see it and have proof that I'm not lying to them or creating the pain myself. Trust me, I want a life and this wasn't the life I had in mind.

After so many difficulties with previous pain management docs I have come up with three criteria that one must meet:

1. You must believe my pain is REAL. I will be honest with you, but you must understand that migraines are real and extremely painful.

2. You must not give up on me. I can't give up on myself and I need a doctor that won't give up on me either. When a treatment fails, keep trying and trying. Never quit.

3. When I have a migraine that I cannot control with my home medications you must be willing to help me. I want to quit going to the ER. They're getting sick of me, and the ER is the last place you want to be with a migraine (screaming babies and crazy people).

Let me just say that I don't think my 3 criteria should be that hard to meet. Boy was I wrong. The new doc, we'll call him jerk #3, was shockingly rude. I've always heard about those doctors who are rude and don't want to hear anything you say. I'd never met one until yesterday. My neuro had sent me the paperwork to fill out in the mail, and I'd noticed that no where in the documentation did it ask about my previous treatments or places where I'd attempted treatment. It barely asked any questions at all. The other 2 pain management doctors that I'd gone to had extensive questionnaires. They wanted to know everything I'd ever done since birth. This was warning sign number 1.

He had a lovely Indian accent. I love those. His English was good, but his manners were atrocious!! He asked me what I had and I told him I have chronic migraines. That's where he cut me off. He started poking around on my neck and I expected that. He discovered I have a lot of pain in my neck (already knew that). Then he went right in to explaining what nerve blocks he was going to do. I spoke up to inform him I'd already had numerous nerve blocks in my neck. He didn't care. "No questions, I'm explaining!" Nice. Not! He started explaining my problem was in the area of my Greater Occipital Nerve (duh, that's where all migraines originate.) No matter how I tried to explain that we'd been through treatment from many, many different doctors and clinics over the years, he just kept cutting me off.

He asked, "Do you work?" I told him I'd had to quit working 4 years ago due to the migraines. You should have seen the ugly look I got for that one, and he said, "Other people work with headaches." Great, this is getting ugly. He then asked me what I did when I used to work, and I told him I used to be a Kindergarten teacher. "You're an intelligent woman, if you were a teacher. I will give injections in your neck here (pointing to neck on poster). I don't want to hear block isn't working because I put a steroid in with the block and your neck will swell here (on the outside). Don't tell me it made it worse because the swelling is on the outside and your pain is here (in spine). Many people say it hurt and I don't want you telling me about pain because it's swelling. There will be a bump".......blah......blah.......blah. I won't even tell you what was going through my head at this point. After he had talked AT me for 2 minutes. He finally took a breath and I attempted to get words out. I ATTEMPTED to explain that I'd have all those nerve blocks before, I'd been to one of the best migraine clinics in the country, and to Vanderbilt for treatment. I think I got out three or four words out before he returned to talking AT me. He simply didn't care what I'd tried. THIS was what HE was going to do. "I must use scientific approach." "I don't do narcotics." Fine, but will you help me with the pain I have and help to ease it, something, because I have excruciating migraines at least 2 or 3 times a week and my pain NEVER goes away. My neurologist sends me to the Cancer Treatment Center about once a week for a Stadol injection.....And I kid you not, "NO ONE HAS EVER DIED FROM A HEADACHE! YOU CAN'T DIE. Lay down in dark quiet room ,take aspirin or ibuprofen'"... This was the point at which I imploded. I kept my mouth shut and Phillip was sitting open mouthed in shock. We were both in shock. How dare he? I explained that my neurologist expects him to treat the pain when I have a migraine that is beyond my control. He reiterated that I can't die and told me, "okay, I give you few more minutes to explain why no narcotics. I must use scientific approach. Americans think they going to die from pain. They won't. No one needs narcotics." I told him, "I'm not asking for narcotics, just help with severe migraines." He said...........blah............blah............blah............I'm an inconsiderate a-hole.............blah........blah.........I don't care about your pain.........................you won't die...................... At least that is what I heard. I had completely tuned him out at this point and my eyes had welled up with tears. I did NOT want to cry in front of this jerk. "Go back out front." Great! Now I had to go back into the packed waiting room and sit there and try desperately not to cry. I couldn't do it. I headed to the bathroom as quickly as I could. I was in there for a very long time trying to recover, but I just couldn't stop crying. I finally got back to the waiting room and told Phillip to talk about anything just not what had just happened. He was still stunned so he handed me a magazine to read. I couldn't keep it all in, but I was trying really hard. The appointment secretary finally called me and started to set up a date for my MRI, then 2 dates for nerve blocks in my neck. Eventually we exited the building and I burst out sobbing.

This man didn't meet any of the 3 criteria I'd set for a good pain management doc. NOT ONE!!! After a few hours of pondering over things I decided I'm not giving this jerk any of my money or waste my insurance company's money on this man. He didn't deserve it. Pain management doctors #1 and #2 had already done the nerve blocks. We knew they didn't work. I called jerk #3's office and asked him to release me back to my neurologist because I cannot see a doctor who is so uncaring and tells me I can't die from this. The receptionist asked me if he'd really said that. Oh yes he did! She told me, "Well, get this message to Dr. G*** and we'll get back to you." As far as I'm concerned there's no need to contact me again. I have enough trouble being me, I'm not going to tolerate a jerk-wad doctor talking down to me like some wimpy, whiny baby. I never wish migraines on my worst enemy, but this man needs to have a severe, month long migraine that never lets up. Then he might understand the difference between a migraine and a headache. They are WORLDS apart. Solar systems apart.

Once my composure had returned I spent the remainder of the day searching the Internet and making phone calls to migraine clinics in the vicinity trying to find an understanding doctor. I'm not going blind into any more pain management offices. NEVER AGAIN!

Hour after hour I came across articles about how American pain management doctors do not treat pain for many of their patients. I had no idea so many were sharing the same struggle of finding a HELPFUL doctor. There are whole websites dedicated to advocating for those suffering from chronic pain and cannot find relief. I will keep looking until I find one. Wish me luck :)

Damn Thieves!!

This is what we arrived home to two weeks ago.  Nice.

This is the office where they stole my hubby's camera fund, tossed the whole place.  They ransacked the house like in the movies.  Why?!?  Couldn't they make neat criminals?  

This is the bedroom where they took almost every single piece of my best jewelry.  Hope they liked looking at my dirty undies on the floor.  Oh yea, they took some of those too!
This is the living room.  I must say how glad I am they had no appreciation for my scrapbook supplies.  Did they have to toss them on the floor?  I had them so nicely organized.  Bastards!  Note the Oatmeal Creme Pies on the back of the chair.  When we left the house they were in the pantry.  Figure that one out.  Munchies????
This was the former location of a laptop, computer chargers, my huge knitting bag, and who knows what else.  Now I know the importance of backing up my computer.  It never left the house so we never worried much about it.  Goodbye all my invitations, business cards, and tons (and I mean TONS!!!) of downloaded knitting patterns.  Some I paid for and are now el-gonno!  My i-tunes library-Gone!  My bookmarks-Gone!  My privacy-Gone!!  Turd-buckets!!  Why take the charger to the laptop that wasn't home?  How's that useful??!!
The door, of course, was the first thing we noticed.  It didn't dawn on either one of us that the glass was shattered, we only seemed to notice the door was open.  Then the panic set in.  First up was "WHERE'S  NEMO!!!!!!????!!!!  Poor little guy was huddled under a tiny corner under the craft room bed (there's a trundle bed under there, too).  He wouldn't come out.  We were so relieved to see he was okay.  Mostly okay, anyway!!  He's still having trouble getting over things.  I don't even want to imagine what that must have been like for my tiny pup.  He did what I'd want him to--HIDE!!  The bed was moved out and the mattress was out of whack.  We're still not too sure if they were trying to get to him or not.  I hope he bit them hard!  Actually, I just hope they never touched him.  We weren't able to leave him home for about a week.  He'd freak out and try to climb our legs when we tried to leave.  Brinks came and installed a security system, but we never left him home until we could get the security set.  Especially since we didn't have a real back door.  We had a shell of a door with plywood and visqueen (sp?) .  We took Nemo to the vet Friday (over a week later) and they said he might not be as sick as we thought, it might still be him feeling traumatized.  Scary, that things have stuck with him so long.  We know he was having nightmares the first two or three days.  He would jerk in his sleep and wake himself up.  It was really awfull to just sit there and not be able to help him.  After two weeks he's finally eating regularly and just about back to himself.  Thank God.
That would be my eyeshadow laying in the doorway.
I still don't know why they had to toss my makeup all over the room.  For fun?  Crazy psychos!

Buttholes!!

I'm not the best housekeeper, but I'm not this bad.  When it was all summed up they made off with quite a bit.  Originally we were thinking just a few things about $1500.  Now, we're closer to $6000.  Nice, huh.  They take some of the dumbest things.  Like the oatmeal creme pies.  At least they thought about taking them.  In the end we were missing a laptop, computer chargers, bluetooth phone, small camera fund stash, 2 gold necklaces, 1 ruby & diamond pendant, 2 hefty gold rings, lots of earrings, one nice, big fake ring, 3 jackets, 1 laundry basket, 2 bras, 1 knitting bag, 1 almost finished knitted sweater (if they only knew how much that yarn was worth-they left the sleeves, gee thanks), 1 video camera, non-replaceable home movies from the last 3 years, 1 bottle of pain medication, and the list keeps growing and growing and GROWING!! Bastards!

The upside to the whole thing is we have nice new french doors with enclosed blinds and a brand spankin' new security system.  We're armed and ready now.  I dare them to come back and try again.  Okay, not really!  We're installing spot lights this weekend.  It's gonna look like Fort Knox around here.  They could have taken the whole house as long as Nemo was still here we're going to make it.  The door was open and the back gate was open.  We're very glad he was too scared to move.  We got burgled.  Boogers!  I'm tellin' ya the first fat girl I see wearing my sweater is getting tackled and I'm sitting on her ass until the police come.  You have no idea how insulting it is to a knitter to steal her first sweater made from gift yarn from the hubby.  That's a biggy for him to buy me yarn, because we all know I'm a yarn ho! 

So, I've got two needles.  You've got two eyes!  Don't mess with a chick that knits!!  I'm armed with Brinks and pointy needles.  Watch out world!!!

Love the Chinese and my Zen thoughts of the Day, hee hee (me rambling)

E

more the engrish!

You gotta give the Chinese some credit for attempting to get every sign in English before the Olympics.  Somehow I think they missed it on that one.  Some things just don't translate well.  

I love it!!

Here's my rambling thought process of the day:

I finally gave in to my SIL insistence's that I look into Facebook.  I assumed it was up there with MySpace and shunned it like the plague.  After finally going there, I found out it's not half bad.  I found some old friends.  I only said hello to two of them.  Heard back from one that I haven't seen since early college.  Pretty cool.  I like how you can keep your profile as private as you would like.  Gotta give the SIL some credit.  Cool place.  

My hubby got on there too and threw a sheep at me today.  Who knew?  What a perfect thing to throw a knitter.  Get out the shears, look out wool, here I come.  

This got me thinking, "why do I not want to contact many old friends?"  I thought it through for a bit. This is my conclusion:  It's because the first thing they're going to ask me is how are you? or what do you do now?  I find it embarrassing to admit that I don't work and I am sick.  I don't want people to think I want their sympathy.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  This is just what life has thrown me, a curve ball.  I love being able to explore my creative side and spend time doing the crafts that I love.  I hope they can see that.  I may have an illness, but I am by no means unhappy!  I have a wonderful husband, great family, and very caring friends and great knitting buddies (my peeps).  Sure, I have some days where I am down or mad and exhausted from all the pain, that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life.  I love my life and the people in it.

I told my friend from high school band I was re-married.  I assumed he knew that my first marriage didn't stick, it actually STUNK!  I assume everyone knows that.  People placed bets on how long it would last.  I'm sure some people got rich off that bet.  That's one of the downfalls of growing up in a small town and doing something entirely stupid.  Everyone knows!  Gossip runs rampant!

I learned early on after my divorce that people don't know what to say to you right after a divorce.  I never knew if they were going "I told you so"(because they should have) or if they just had no idea of how to act around a very young divorcee (I was about 22).  Yep, I had failed and I did it like a great big, fabulous bellyflop.  SPLAT.  

Divorce is hard.  There's just that odd tension all around you and you know "everyone knows what you did".  In small towns everyone talks.  This is when you find out who your real friends are.  Of course you'll lose some good friends because they were your ex's friends first.  Comes with the territory, I miss them, but I eventually had to move on and restart my life.  I miss a lot of those friends and still think about them fondly, but I know I wasn't at my finest during those years.  I hope they know that too.

It's really hard to describe going through a divorce and not sound angry about it.  I'm really at peace with my divorce, I would just rather think of it as going through a psychotic phase from the age of 17-24.  That's much easier than admitting I was a total idiot.  At least in retrospect.  If only I knew then what I know now.  I had a moment about a week before my first marriage when I really wanted to back out.  I had a bad feeling about it, but I was terrified that my parents had spent all that money and all those invitations had been sent out, everyone had made plans to come.  I can't tell you how much I regret 1) wasting that perfect wedding with the wrong guy and 2) not being strong enough to back out.  I was young & scared. I confused what would have been the intelligent choice with what I thought was just cold feet.  Oh, to be able to see the future.  

I wouldn't change the experiences of those years, because I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I'm a stronger person.  I know I can survive most anything, even when it seems that the world has come to an end.  It hasn't!  And I learned to focus on just being me and not trying to fit in or try to be what others want me to be.  I learned to just be me,  and how to just love being me.  It was a hard lesson, but I tell my husband that without a bad marriage, I would never have been able to appreciate a good one as much as I do now.  I know what it's like to be married to someone who doesn't want you, and I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it is to be married to someone who loves ME.  I don't think there was much Love in the first marriage, just young stupidity.  Because I finally "found myself", I know my husband loves me for just being me, because that's the person he met and fell in love with.  

Now, I have a theory that no one should get married until they are at least 25.  That feels like forever when you're 18, but by the time you turn 25 you will have found your place in the world. I don't think you should go into a marriage, until you know where you're going on the road of life.  You know the old adage:  Don't run before you can walk.  Mom once told me she thought about talking to me about getting into that first marriage too quickly, but she knew I was at a rebellious stage which meant I would do exactly the opposite of what she wanted me to do.  I look back and wonder, 'would I have listened?'  I like to think yes, but I look back now and realize she was probably right.  

Therefore, my Zen thoughts come to these simple conclusions:

1)  youth is definitely wasted on the young

2) as we grow older we grow wiser

3)  don't regret what you've done--learn from it

4) listen to that inner voice or you'll live to regret it

and finally,

5) forgive and forget!

Okay, I don't think I've accomplished #5 very well.  I have forgotten and  somewhat forgiven, but I don't think I'm very good at it. I've forgotten most of it. In fact I think of my marriage now as my first because my actual first one never felt like a Real marriage.  What I have now is a Marriage.  What I had then was ......well, I don't know what it was.  I wish I could say I have happy memories of it all, but I have very few memories at all.  I believe that is known as selective memory.  To be quite honest, I literally burned every picture of those years.  (My sister was my witness -I'm pretty sure she thought I had lost my mind).  I know I should be all Zen and go "I forgive you"  but, hey, he never asked so I guess I skipped that step.  I don't really harbor ill feelings toward him, but I don't exactly have any warm fuzzy wishes for him either.  Heck, I still have nightmares about him.  I await the day that my subconscious self finally lets go of him and releases me from those dreams.  I always wake up and thank God I'm dreaming.  This is probably why I should forgive and forget.  I'll talk to my subconscious about it someday.  This is what therapy is for, at least I get my money's worth out of my therapist.  Lovely! :)

-------------------

I went to bed last night and felt I really needed to go back and add one thought about my ex.  I may not say fabulous things about him, but I should at least give him compliments on this:  he had impeccable taste in friends.  He had a knack for making friends that were fabulous people and devoted friends.  I imagine that bunch of childhood friends will not easily be parted by distance or time.  They were a close-knit bunch and I imagine they still are today.  

Happy Thoughts

I promised to post happy, bubbly thoughts today.  I know my ranting yesterday was kinda incoherent.  Funny how anger just never comes out well on paper.  My thought process was all over the place.  No migraine talk today.  

I've been working hard on things for my good friend.  She is a proud new mama of her baby girl, Daliah.  She's so tiny and cute.  I saw her at 3 weeks old.  She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  Just perfect.  6lbs 8oz.  Very tiny.  My friend requested some baby legwarmers.  I'd never heard of  them before, but she brought me some pictures of some in a pregnancy magazine.  So cute, but also expensive.  I had some sock yarn hanging around that I wanted to play with.  It's Panda Cotton, part cotton, and part bamboo, with a dash of elastic.  They are so soft and cute.  Best thing: fast easy knitting!  

Aren't they cut?  I hope they look great on Daliah.  The colors did pool a bit, but I'm okay with that, couldn't help it anyway.  I decided on two baby blankets to make her.  This one has a knitted center section with crochet granny squares around the edges.  I used washing machine friendly yarn, because no new mom has time to wash and lay flat to dry.  I'm just not that cruel.  The pictures just don't show off the colors well.  The blanket is light lavender, with dark purple, bright but not obnoxious pink, and yellow on the edges. It turned out a bit wonky.  Not too bad for a first try.  Gotta remember how much I hate weaving in all those ends on the granny squares next time.  What granny ever came up with that?  She must have had a lot of patience and way too much time. 

This one is by far my favorite.  It's 36" across and so buttery soft.  I love the round shape, because it is so different.  I'm very proud of this one.  My friend loved it.  I think I'll have to do this one again sometime.  Fun.


These were my first attempt at baby legwarmers.  They're not as soft as the other pair.  Actually, the yarn is soft, it's just too thick to drape very well.  I want to try these on the baby and see if I need to redo them.  It's a self striping yarn.  Cool stuff.  Makes me look more talented than I actually am.

Well, that all my happy project thoughts for today.  At least you can tell I've accomplished quite a bit in the last few months despite the migraines.  My little victory :)

You've GOT to be kidding me !!!??!

Warning:  Migraine Rant!!

I swear (and trust me-I've been swearing all day)!  First, I couldn't sleep last night, because when my migraines hit sometimes I can't sleep.  Lying still is what most people do when they have a migraine, but me, of course not.  Did you expect me to be normal?  You should know better by now.  I'm UNIQUE :)  Somehow that word is quickly becoming the equivalent of screeching nails on a chalk board.  For some strange reason, I have a hard time lying down during my migraines.  I sit up and, like a crazy person, rock back and forth a bit (during SUPER bad ones).  I know, scary huh?  Most of the time I sit and push my thumbs into my eye socket and hope that somehow I can pop that sucker back into my head.  It feels like my eyes are going to burst.  Seems reasonable to me that pushing them back in is the rational thing to do.  It's not???  Of course it is.  Okay, maybe I really am weird (I refuse to say unique).  At one point in my life I embraced my uniqueness and was proud to be my own person.  PLEASE, GOD.....I just want to be NORMAL.  Slightly out of kilter?  A tad bit on the weird side?  A few fries short of a happy meal?  Please, anything but UNIQUE!  

Seriously though, I spent my night in agonizing pain.  I just kept knitting headbands trying to ignore all those evil nerve sensors, on overdrive, screaming for my attention.  But I refuse to listen to them.  They have to shut up sooner or later.  I've taken all of my abortive medications.  Nothing left.  I knit through the wee hours, with my poor dog wondering is it day or night?  He's confused because he wants to sleep, but I can't.  He gets a little moody about disturbing his slumber.  Well, now as the day dawns and my vision is so blurry that it looks like my house is full of a cool, winter morning  haze after a big downfall of snow.  Alas, no snow.  It's only September.  I did discover the Lime & Violet podcast about knitting.  Always wondered about people's fascinations with podcasting.  Lime & Violet are rather kooky, and a bit irreverent while talking all about their lives and knitting.  I felt like a lone person sitting on a park bench, overhearing best friends catch up on all the latest gossip.  This new adventure kept me distracted until my much healthier half got up.  This is where my patience runs out on me every time.  I've suffered through the night, managed to keep my butt (actually head) out of the Emergency Room, and now the long wait from 7:30 when hubby leaves until 9:00 when my neurologist opens for the day.  I get the nurse on the phone, who knows me quite well, and we discuss how I'm not fabulous today and I have officially given up on curing myself.  She types notes to send to my doctor and then asks me, "what would you like today?"  I always rely on my trusty Stadol shot, which rarely fails (note the very important RARELY) "I don't know.  He knows I'm out of my Stadol nasal spray 2 weeks early,  I'm betting he's just going to shoot me at this point!"  She actually added that to the end of her note to my doctor.  Luckily, he decided to send me to the hospital to get a shot with a needle and not a gun.  Not sure that a gun wouldn't have been a better option.  WHEN are they going to start doing head transplants?  I would like to have a nice, new head with the same freckles and formerly natural red hair, just leave off the extra two chins.  Yep, sounds good to me.  

So, off to the hospital we go.  My poor hubby takes another long lunch to trudge with me up to the hospital and how he manages to not go crazy I will never know.  The one good thing is the hospital no longer sends me to One Day Surgery to get my shot.  It took at least 1- 1 1/2 hours to go through Admissions (gee, they are always so eager to work fast)  I think they should put me into the system permanently 'cause, heck, they already know who I am when I arrive.  Sad isn't it.  Now I go to the Cancer Treatment Center to get my shots.  I only had to go through the registration once (which was last Thursday, ugh) and from now on I just check in and head straight back to the infusion room.  It's bright, but not noisy.  You do get a nice cushy recliner to sit in and a tv to stare at.  I loved that I just walk right in, tell them what I need, and go on my way.  The nurse takes my blood pressure (surprisingly low) and temperature, then asks me where I want my shot.  Arm or Hip?  Hip-hip-hooray!  I know, bad joke.  I try to keep track of which hip got it last, this time was lefty's turn.  Here it comes, "just a little stick."  "Ready?"  Yep.  Hit me with your best shot.  2mg of Stadol and 50mg of Phenergan.  If you've ever had Phenergan stuck into your hip, you'd know that it burns like the dickens!  Little prick, no big deal.  Stinging left butt cheek on fire. Oh yea, that feels good.  Not.  At least a nurse taught me years ago to lift my weight off of the foot belonging to said hip, that helps you not tighten your muscles while you've got a needle stuck into your butt.  Butt/hip? What's the difference?  Some nurses aim high and others low.    We won't mention the time I lost my balance.  It all ends up pulsing though my body eager to get to work on those damn screaming nerve cells.  It's about time something shut them up.  For a little while at least.  Now, I sit patiently and await the meds to work over the next 30 minutes.  Getting better.  Slowly, but better.  After checking on me every little bit to make sure I don't have some bizarre reaction, I'm released to go home.  Off to bed!  Sleep!  Please, oh, please, just a few hours of peaceful rest.  

I crash at the house and am finally getting some relief.  If only that could last more that a few blissful hours.  Not pain free, but much less pain.  What would a day without pain feel like?  I have completely forgotten over the past 7 years.  How would it feel?  Would I know what to do with myself?  Or would I waste it, that one glorious, sacred day?  Feet back on the ground, now.  I get all settled in and prepare to snooze away in peaceful slumber.   

Phone rings.  My phone ringer sounds like the song from the Twilight Zone.  Du, du, doo, du, Du, du, doo, du.  Wish I was stuck in the twilight zone, it sure feels like it.  I roll over about to ignore it, but picked the thing up and saw my neurologist's office was calling.  Hmmm, what could they want?  The secretary? desk clerk?  appointment specialist? let's call her, Sue is calling to tell me about the appointment she was setting up with a new pain management doctor in Memphis.  Good.  Nope.  A BIG, GIANT, ROTTEN, STINKING, PUKING, RAGING bad.

Noooooooooooooooooo, I'm in the Twilight Zone. Oh crap! Reality sucks!  The aforementioned  Pain Management doctor has reviewed my records and has decided not to accept me as a patient.  Are you kidding me?  Can he do that?  What?  No, really, WHAT???  WARNING!! WARNING!! Tears swelling.  Abort! Abort!

Breathe

Big Deep Breaths

Calming Breaths

Soothing Thoughts. 

Go to my happy place.

Hang up phone.  NOW cry like baby, while dog looks on thoroughly confused.  Oh, and she ended the phone call by saying my neurologist doesn't know anyone else to refer me to, but he will gladly give me a recommendation to any doctor or clinic I can find that will treat me.  Oh joy.  

Reality bites.

I gathered my beaten, battered, bludgeoned, and thoroughly murdered hopes up off the floor, put on my big girl panties, and called the husband to whimper and cry on.  He's a good listener.  He is wary of giving any advice at this point.  He's quite aware this is a dangerous moment and no matter which path he chooses (sympathetic or calm and reassuring) this is a volatile moment.  He chose quiet support.  Which of course my ranting self took as, "so."  BOOM  There went my dignity.  Not Calm.  Now Pissed.  "How can a doctor do that?  Now what am I going to do? I can't believe this?  Is there anything we haven't tried yet?  You've just got to be kidding."  Please be kidding, please.  Sorry.  Sorry.  I know.  Stay calm.  We will just keep trying.   Hung up phone.  

No way I was getting restful sleep now.  I knitted the five remaining rows of the headband I was working on.  I was so steamed, I knitted fast and furious.  The stitches were so tight, I practically needed pliers to get them to budge.  Somehow not feeling the therapeutic relief that usually comes with knitting.

Yep, I'm unique.  Now I can scare off a doctor by just sending him my medical history.  Great.

Tomorrow:  Happy Thoughts

Sis has Gone Techno

I'm so proud. My big sis has joined the blogging world. It's all about book clubs, book collecting, and Mini Coopers (hers is Simon). You can visit her here:
http://bibliominiac.blogspot.com/
Yea, big sis. Congratulations on your new blog. She definitely writes better than I do. I look forward to reading it a lot in the future!

Hubby and I are very sad this week. Garfunkel (the Mini) is an inpatient at our local car hospital. He is recovering from a minor car accident. His front bumper had a ding, because Garfunkel couldn't stop in time to avoid hitting the car in front of him. He's been sore for a couple of weeks now, but the doctor said he should be ready for release tomorrow. We will be so glad to have him home. Our no-name rental car just doesn't have the same fun, zippy personality.

I have been knitting like crazy trying to finish up two baby blankets and a pair of baby leg warmers. I consider it a record that the baby is only two weeks old. That's on time in my world. I am the Queen of Procrastination. I blame part of it on my migraines, but when I look back I have always been the Queen. Not the best title, huh?

Speaking of migraines. I went to the neurologist today. He and I are both concerned about me having to use so much pain medication. It seems that my head has started a battle that my body just cannot win. Head has waged war on my ability to accomplish anything. Head is most determined that I not be able to knit much, do housework, laundry or cook food. Head is winning. I can live with the no housework, laundry and cooking, but limiting my knitting is uncalled for! Poor hubby is holding up way more than his end of this deal. You know those vows we said at our wedding: for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, 'till death do us part. He has come to the conclusion that he got the wrong end of his vows. He got a wife that's now worse, definitely in major sickness, and he's definitely poorer from my medical bills and my inability to work. I think secretly he may be hoping for death TO part us. He did try to trade me back to my father after we had been married one whole month. That's when the migraines started. He decided, since father is a lawyer, that he should honor a contract protecting him from receiving a defective product. He wanted to return me due to a manufacturing defect. Hey, the father did help to manufacture me, didn't he? Yep, I'm guessing he had a part in it because I have my dad's brown eyes, long ape-like arms, weird long second toe and unexplainable like of all jokes dealing with poop and gas. I definitely inherited that one! Thanks Dad!! Go figure, the father didn't want me to be returned, said it was not in the contract he made hubby sign. Not kidding!! The father gave the husband a contract for dating my daughter when we were dating. What a great first impression. Should I mention the father was also wearing some sort of bizarre hillbilly/dork toothy mask thing. Lovely!

Back to the doctor visit today. I am being sent off to the third pain management doctor (about an hour drive). We agree that I need a pain management doctor that will believe in my pain and help me even when I don't fit into the typical box of normal pain management. I always seem to be that one unique case. I'm always that one person that gets that rare side effect. You know the one in a million chance kind (okay, maybe a million is stretching it). My neuro knows that about me. He told me last visit that it'd be no fun if everyone was the same, and it's good to be unique. UNIQUE!!!!! yeah. I just want to be a little bit NORMAL. Not totally (never was) but at least a bit normal. You know, like a regular person. Or maybe just a slightly sick person. I'd take that one. Constant back pain I could deal with, but not constant migraines. Whole 'nother ballgame! I declare here and now, HEAD shall not win this long battle. Eventually, Body is going to boot it out for good. (wouldn't I look odd without HEAD). Maybe Body can just retrain Head so that we can all get along.

The Scene of the Crime

We thought it was thunder, but it was only a little rain cloud. Then we heard all this crashing. NOT THUNDER!!! The big oak tree is the culprit. He was caught trying to vandalize the arbor in the back yard. Here's the incriminating evidence:

The vandal dropped a 30 foot limb onto our arbor. Can I just say how impressed we are with Phillip's construction capability. The arbor is still standing!
Unfortunately the evil vandal littered my brand new wooden walkway with almost all of my spinners. There are still 4 left standing, the last 20 are laying bruised and battered upon the ground.

The vandal even killed my windchimes. These are still intact.
Sadly, the ladybug was only left with one chime. I should probably mention here that the ladybug has been suffering from old age and only had two chimes and her glass marbles left. As you can see she lost her marbles, too. Poor old ladybug!
Maybe this was just the tree's way of helping add to our rustic arbor and redecorate.



Thanks a lot, Mr. Oak Tree. You better watch out we have the sheriff on the lookout for you. You can't hide forever.

What Now????

Just when I build up a little bit of hope that a new doctor is gonna help my agonizing migraines, my hope gets trampled on the dirty, stinky, rotten, filthy floor. Today I went to a new pain management doctor. He was a very interesting, funny, quirky guy. I really liked him. Don't get me wrong. He's a good doctor, but he trampled on the last bit of hope I had about a better future with less pain. I have tried almost everything available to migraine sufferers. This new doctor is on the cutting edge of the electrode implants for spinal stimulation and gives seminars around the World on the procedure. I read about him in our local paper and how he has cured a young lady plagued with chronic debilitating headaches with the implants. It has a little remote that she turns up when the pain increases and down when she doesn't need it so high. She is now returning to a normal life. So I thought, "What an opportunity!! This may be my cure!" WRONG!!!! As nice and great as he is, he is unable to help me. Let me try to explain.

Today was my first visit and he said if we tried a Greater Occipital Nerve Block and if it was successful I would be a prime candidate for said implants. Ooooh, cool! Instead of pain my head would tingle and the I would be free to mingle about and rejoin the world at large. Yeah.....happiness.....oh well......dashed hopes. The block would take effect immediately. He felt around on the base of my skull until he found my pulse. This is where he takes a needle and inserts it into my head. Now mind you, this man is wearing a pink, purple, and blue dog and cat scrub top, blue scrub pants, and an U of A hat on his bald head. He turns up the Led Zepplin playing on the speaker and said "I do my best work with music." I agree. I do too. Then holding his fingers on my pulse he grabs the needle and gets ready to stab it into my skull. Suddenly, he says, "Shit!" NOT what you want to hear a doctor say before his pokes a hole in your head. He tells my hubby to open the door and hollers at the nurse. He needed a smaller needle. Thank God! That was a scary two or three seconds. He couldn't get one because he didn't want to loose the spot where he had my pulse because as you can imagine it's hard to find a pulse point in a scull. New smaller needle in place. He says the typical, "Small stick." Yep, the sticking part is easy. You don't feel it that much believe it or not. Then comes the fun part. I'm sitting on a stool with my arms folded on a pillow laying on the patient table (this is the easiest position for this procedure). I had a previous doc who would have me sit in a chair with a nurse pushing on my head so I didn't move--NOT so pleasant. Okay, stick part is over. Now the UNpleasant part. The needle doesn't stay in one spot. The doctor has to move it around up and down and all over through the tissue in my head. My hubby sees him moving the needle up and down and all around while never pulling it back out until all the solution is inserted into my head. I would much rather watch this process than be on the receiving end. What I hear is, "Crack, Crunch, Crunch, Crunch, Crinkle, Crinkle, Crack." The pain is fairly intense and it's best to stay still, lo and behold you move with a needle in your neck! Don't wanna go there. I can hear the needle crunching and moving through all the very tense (as usual) neck muscles and what I guess is cartilage. Trust me this is not a sound you ever want to hear while someone has a needle next to your brain. Oh, I know, there's a skull between the two, but that is all forgotten when you hear that noise. I got goosebumps up and down my arms and legs the pain was so intense. But it's over in just an hour or so. Okay, One minute. What's a minute of pain if this is the answer I've been looking for, for 7 years now.

The nerve block is now in place. The numbness at the base of my skull started immediately. Feels like your lip does after a long trip to the dentist, large but numb. He left the room and said we'd wait a bit and see if the numbness continued to spread and eliminate all my head pain. And I came in with a whopper of a migraine ready to be cured. I sit with my head down for a good 20 minutes and he returns. I can see the disappointment on his face when I tell him I still have pain at the top of my head, on my right side by my ear and jawbone, and in my right eye. I should state the block was placed on the right side where the majority of my migraines originate. He decides to wait a while longer to see if it gets better. The numbness spreads, a bit more, but the pain remains in the other locations. He returns yet again and asks if any pain remains. I, begrudgingly, begin to answer when he gives me a most serious look and says, "it's very important that I know if there is still pain." "Yes," I said the pain remains. However much I liked him (and I really did in the brief two hours I had spent with him) he said the most unexpected and devastating thing I've heard: "I'm sorry. I can't help you." My heart sank into my toes. I wasn't prepared for this. I was expecting, "Great news, I can help you." I kept my cool, but I'm sure the disappointment showed. You could see it in his face, too. He really wanted to help. He is referring me back to my neurologist (whom I love, but we've tried everything he knows to try now) to continue my regular regimen.

I made it to the car. I hadn't realized I had built up so much hope for this appointment and a chance at rejoining society. I began to cry. Can I just say I HATE TO CRY!!! Not to mention my poor hubby trying to drive me home and soothe me at the same time (what a man!). Finally, I said, "If he can't help me, who can?" Not that I expected an answer. I wallowed in my self pity and tried to pull myself back together over the next few hours. I quit crying, but I had not expected to feel so disappointed about this. I had no idea this was coming. I was blind-sided. My doc and I have tried everything over the last 7 years: biofeedback, Thai chi, narcotics (which are my best friend for a brief few hours of peaceful rest and little pain, but alas that never lasts), breast reduction (to relieve neck strain), physical therapy, PFO (the theory that many migraine sufferers were cured when there was found to be a tiny hole in the heart. Once sealed, no more migraines, alas I had no hole. Now how many people do you know are disappointed there isn't a hole in their heart? ), acupuncture, visualization (find your happy place-I suck at that one), psychological therapy (which I've had plenty of and continue to have for the depression), medications of every kind from drugs for Alzheimer's disease, bipolar disorder, dementia, a plethora of depression meds, even one only available to hospitals and one that can only be purchased from Canada, the list goes on and on and on. So that brings me back to my question. What Now??

How Migraines Affect My Family

Yet once again, I am up in the middle of the night due to a migraine. I am so exhausted words cannot convey my torment and pain. I feel my pain tolerance getting lower by the week, day, hour, every minute. I have always been known for my high pain tolerance. Let's just say that after almost 7 years of solid, nonstop pain, my tolerance is slipping. Just keep trudging through the muck and madness of it all.

Family.
Where would we be without them? Migraines don't just impact my life, they also affect my family. They who also are my support group. They encourage me to hang in there and not give up hope. My mom once told me that childbirth would seem easy as opposed my migraines. And she would know because she suffers from them too. Unfortunately, I will never get to experience childbirth. My husband and I really wanted children...then I got sick. There are so many things that have changed in life. It's taken me years to look at a friend's baby and not feel green with envy. I know my hubby would be the best dad; we have missed out on so much. We just try to go with the flow now. You see, it affects more than just me. My husband has to be the most marvelous, understanding, and patient man I have ever met. He sticks by me. He sits for hours in the Emergency Room in the middle of the night and still makes it to work the next morning. Countless times he's had to leave work to pick up prescriptions, take me to doctor appointments, and or make an emergency run for a rescue shot at my neurologist's office. He takes it all in stride, but I worry. I see the effect that my migraines have had on him. He suffers from depression, especially in the winter. It doesn't help that he lives with someone who lives like a vampire with all the curtains pulled tight and no lights on in the house until dark, if even then. Some days he has to attempt to watch TV with the volume one notch above mute because it seems to be screaming at me. He deals with the "pissy mood" that precedes many of my most powerful migraines. He often sees the signs of a massive one coming on before I do. I get very short tempered and easily offended (for no reason if you wanna take his side). I see him struggle to keep his sanity some days. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, and still loves me. I find that amazing. I do what I can but sometimes I feel so helpless.

Some days it's all I can do to get up and move around because my head pounds with every step. You get up and the pain surges. You walk and the pain surges. You stop walking and the pain surges. They are so powerful that I have to stop and grab the wall or double over until the surge passes. I'm frozen. Stricken with pain. Some day's just walking down the hall to the bathroom is agonizing and I'm out of breath (trust me when I say my hall is not long). My husband has to watch this day in and day out and there's nothing he can do. I know he wants to help. Everyone in my family wants to help. They patiently listen while I tell them how crappy my day has been, and yet, they still find words to comfort and encourage me. I see the pain and worry in all of their faces. I try not to feel the guilt. I put on a happy face; they see right through it. They all know that there will be days I won't be able to go anywhere. I will miss multiple family gatherings, or I will have to cut the visit short to lay down and take some medication or put a shot in my leg. I appreciate that they don't take it personally and understand that I'm trying my damnedest to be and feel normal. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit HUMAN! I have four nephews that graduated in the past 6 years. I've only made one graduation, only to have to make an early exit due to the noise, VERY bright lights and loud music. I watch them all feel helpless, wanting to do something to ease my pain, but at a loss for what to do. I know they wish they could make them go away. Family becomes very perceptive about some things. My mom and sister know that I talk entirely too much. If I don't call on a daily basis, they're calling me to check in and see what's wrong. They both have this weird migraine intuition that tells them: no call means bad head! Not good.

It's sometimes hard to sit back and observe your family's concern for you and not feel that twinge of guilt. I wish I could do more. I want to do more. I try to do more. They wish they could do more. I wish I didn't have to cancel once again! They wish that I don't cancel plans again. But the more I go, the more I hurt. The more I hurt, the less I go. It's a vicious cycle. I don't know what I'd do without them. Without their love and support I know I would never have made it through the last 7 years. I could never have made it alone. They care. They love. They hope. That gives me hope. And I thank God everyday for each and every one of them.

I made our first LOL!

I created my first LOL for I has a Hotdog! Here's a link to it if you want to vote for him:
http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=1170128 If you haven't already check out the LOL cats at www.icanhascheezburger.com or the dog version at www.ihasahotdog.com they are a riot.

Also, In case you didn't already know. Nemo is famous. He won a contest and is dog of the month at http://www.itsadogthang.com/ We couldn't be more proud!! He won us a free t-shirt. Cool! Check him out because he'll only be there until the end of May.

I've been pretty much out of commission lately from the migraines, but I have managed to make a few things. Here they are:

My first foray into needle felting. I made a needle holder. Pretty much you take raw unspun wool and poke it over and over and over again with barbed needles until you get the shape and design you want. Pretty fun! I want to do this more!!

Step one: take wool and lay it on the pad and start poking away with needles and......

Voila! A New Needle Holder. How cool is that??

My Great-nephew turned 2 and had a Car's themed party. I made the invites look like tickets to a race. Then, I got out the scrapbook supplies and made a custom envelope with Doc Hudson (which is his favorite from the movie) I added actual doll eyes to make him a little more dimensional. It turned out so well that some people thought they were store bought. I guess that's a very high compliment that they didn't look homemade. I'm very proud!

I'm working on my nephew's high school graduation present. It's an afghan with his future college logo on it. Boy, I hope he doesn't decide to go elsewhere. I'll have to kill him, or he'll just have a reminder of where he was gonna go to live with forever. What a nice reminder that would be?? I'm also reworking my first pair of socks for the thirtieth time. You'd think I'd measure my foot before starting again. I keep getting halfway finished and it always ends up too small. Must measure first! Oh, and swatch too!

Me

Today is a bitchy day. So here goes...
How can there be so many millions of people in the World and we still feel so isolated and alone? One word...Migraines. There are millions of migraine sufferers, family members of migraine sufferers, and the rest of the world struggling to understand. How can a simple headache derail a life so easily? Just get up off your butt and take some aspirin. Get over it, it's just a headache. For those who've never had a migraine I cannot begin to put into words the life-altering and unending pain. I have what is called intractable (chronic) migraines. This means the pain never subsides or eases up just to give me a day of rest and peace, or even clear thoughts. Everyday means pain. Everyday. Never ending. Some understanding doctors are out there, but many just think you are imagining it, need therapy, or don't want to get better. I was once a productive citizen of the World. A Masters Degree in Elementary Education and a thriving Kindergarten teacher. Now, I stay home in pain, miss the social parts of life and family, and I cannot tell you the economic impact migraines have had on my life. Think about it. I should be making over $40,000 a year now and I'm surviving on $800 a month in disability. I have a student loan looming over my head that I will eventually have to pay and I have no idea how. I must pay my student loan because I received the education. I agree. But how does one pay back a loan when it was taken out assuming I would be able to work in my trained field with a $40,000+ income when I know have an income of less than $10,000? How's that for stress?? Got off the subject there, back to me.

I've always put on a brave and happy face for the world. I can do this. I'm fine. Truth is...I'm TIRED! I'm sooo tired. I'm a strong person with a strong will to survive, but I find it fading on me now. Don't get worried. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just need to vent. Hell, I spent Christmas Day in bed this year. That isn't something you can get back. I could barely come down for lunch. Gave myself a shot and called it a day. Sad. Once again my life has been derailed by migraines. I spent three days last week in the hospital trying to get the pain level to drop. It did. But, of course, I get home and they are back to excruciating pain where I just sit and hold my head pressing my thumbs into my eyes as hard as I can. My eyeballs are sore, but it curtails the throbbing, mind numbing pain. If I lay down, the pain lets up a bit, but, really, how much time can you spend laying down before you go crazy. I haven't left my house in weeks for more than just a quick trip to dinner and I have no desire to go anywhere tonight. I know I need to get out, but not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe.

I have sought every type of migraine treatment over the past 7 years to no avail. Seems I'm just one of those people who don't fit into the box of general medicine. Trust me, you don't want to be one of THOSE people. Gives you the common label: Drug seeker. I wish conventional migraine treatments worked, that I could get back to my life, but they don't. It's an adventure to seek out and find doctors who understand I believe Knowledge is Power and I want to help myself. I know my triggers. What I can and cannot eat? What to eat on only a good day. How to rest when I need too even when the last thing I want to do is lay down, again. I play vampire (a lot) living in a dark quiet house with as little movement as possible. I do everything I can to help control the pain. I just wish for a miracle cure. I know that one doesn't exist for me and I wish I felt the world understood, but that just isn't an understanding most are capable of. Family members are left to watch helplessly as their loved one's life is derailed.

I want the pain medications to work. Very few do. So little about migraine pain is understood. Progress is slow. I sought help at the Diamond Headache Clinic early on and they tried all they could, but couldn't lift the pain. The doctor decided to put me on narcotic maintenance. I wasn't ready. I'd only been sick for a couple of years. I hadn't tried enough. Had to keep trying. Now, I'm ready for the narcotic maintenance, but how do you do it correctly? I am finally at the point that just popping pills sounds so easy and simple. I know it's not that simple. I was seeing a pain management specialist who believed in my migraines. When after 6 months none of his "cures" worked he stopped believing in my pain. Every new doctor has to start at the beginning and re-invent the wheel. They seem to overlook the long list of my medical histories and treatment failures and numerous CT scans and MRIs. I was told I failed treatment by the Pain Management Doc. I, personally, did not FAIL. My BODY failed to respond to HIS treatment plan. I want relief and belief. I received a botttle of Oxycontin last week and have tried it twice now. It doesn't relieve the pain, it hasn't even lessened the pain. I will my body to respond to medications. However, I have no control. Migraines make you feel as if you've lost your mind and control of your life. Just dope me up and give me a couple of weeks off from life. Please.

Let's just say I haven't been feeling up to par lately and lacking sleep is seriously catching up with me. I never knew sleeping could be sooo hard. I've cut out caffeine after noon, tried every prescription aid on the market, lay down in total darkness, take melatonin nightly, listen to relaxing classical music. What else is there???? Anyway, enough of that. This post is pretty utilitarian. The first few photos are for a lady I only know as Muggle. So...

Dear Muggle,

Here is a picture of your purple scarf in progress. It's five inches wide. I can make it skinnier or fatter. So do you want it skinny (like my very slim sister) or do you want it more plump (like me-a very round size 2X)? And, no way am I posting a picture of me!!! I can make it super skinny (say 3")- think anorexic :)

And here is a swatch (sample) of the orange and blue yarn. There is a tint of green in the orange yarn it doesn't show in the real world as much as the green shows in the picture. Go figure the wonderful magic of the camera. Somehow no one makes a single yarn that is both orange and blue. In person the blue is very dominant and the bit of green actually blends into the blue. I don't mind mailing you a sample if you prefer. Oh plus, if disappointed I will take the finished scarf back and keep it for me. I aim to please, I don't take dislike personally, no really I don't ;)

And the final pic of the day is just to torment my sister in front of the whole world. I always say she reminds me of JarJar Binks. I know, it's cruel. Continuing with the cruelty..she is tall and a bit gangly and walks like a duck. Which is absurdly something we share in common. Here, I should mention that I wore 3" heels to dinner and did my most respectful immitation of a duck teetering on stilts. Oh, I am one mean sister!! Okay, I promise to take the picture down once the sis sees it and probably screams at me tomorrow morning. Oh, the pains of being sisters. Okay, so maybe I'll leave the picture up for just a few days...then again, Lacy-lew may never speak to me again. Since the family all knows I can't stand not to talk this would drive me crazy in a very short amount of time. I probably deserve it for this little stunt. Why oh why can't I just be satisfied that I mailed the pic to her cleverly disguised as a "You're my favorite Sister" card. The evil of it all. Does it count if I blame this on my husband?? It was after all his idea and his creation. Probably not.

I love you, Lacy!! tee hee Really, I mean it. I wuv u!