Me

Today is a bitchy day. So here goes...
How can there be so many millions of people in the World and we still feel so isolated and alone? One word...Migraines. There are millions of migraine sufferers, family members of migraine sufferers, and the rest of the world struggling to understand. How can a simple headache derail a life so easily? Just get up off your butt and take some aspirin. Get over it, it's just a headache. For those who've never had a migraine I cannot begin to put into words the life-altering and unending pain. I have what is called intractable (chronic) migraines. This means the pain never subsides or eases up just to give me a day of rest and peace, or even clear thoughts. Everyday means pain. Everyday. Never ending. Some understanding doctors are out there, but many just think you are imagining it, need therapy, or don't want to get better. I was once a productive citizen of the World. A Masters Degree in Elementary Education and a thriving Kindergarten teacher. Now, I stay home in pain, miss the social parts of life and family, and I cannot tell you the economic impact migraines have had on my life. Think about it. I should be making over $40,000 a year now and I'm surviving on $800 a month in disability. I have a student loan looming over my head that I will eventually have to pay and I have no idea how. I must pay my student loan because I received the education. I agree. But how does one pay back a loan when it was taken out assuming I would be able to work in my trained field with a $40,000+ income when I know have an income of less than $10,000? How's that for stress?? Got off the subject there, back to me.

I've always put on a brave and happy face for the world. I can do this. I'm fine. Truth is...I'm TIRED! I'm sooo tired. I'm a strong person with a strong will to survive, but I find it fading on me now. Don't get worried. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just need to vent. Hell, I spent Christmas Day in bed this year. That isn't something you can get back. I could barely come down for lunch. Gave myself a shot and called it a day. Sad. Once again my life has been derailed by migraines. I spent three days last week in the hospital trying to get the pain level to drop. It did. But, of course, I get home and they are back to excruciating pain where I just sit and hold my head pressing my thumbs into my eyes as hard as I can. My eyeballs are sore, but it curtails the throbbing, mind numbing pain. If I lay down, the pain lets up a bit, but, really, how much time can you spend laying down before you go crazy. I haven't left my house in weeks for more than just a quick trip to dinner and I have no desire to go anywhere tonight. I know I need to get out, but not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe.

I have sought every type of migraine treatment over the past 7 years to no avail. Seems I'm just one of those people who don't fit into the box of general medicine. Trust me, you don't want to be one of THOSE people. Gives you the common label: Drug seeker. I wish conventional migraine treatments worked, that I could get back to my life, but they don't. It's an adventure to seek out and find doctors who understand I believe Knowledge is Power and I want to help myself. I know my triggers. What I can and cannot eat? What to eat on only a good day. How to rest when I need too even when the last thing I want to do is lay down, again. I play vampire (a lot) living in a dark quiet house with as little movement as possible. I do everything I can to help control the pain. I just wish for a miracle cure. I know that one doesn't exist for me and I wish I felt the world understood, but that just isn't an understanding most are capable of. Family members are left to watch helplessly as their loved one's life is derailed.

I want the pain medications to work. Very few do. So little about migraine pain is understood. Progress is slow. I sought help at the Diamond Headache Clinic early on and they tried all they could, but couldn't lift the pain. The doctor decided to put me on narcotic maintenance. I wasn't ready. I'd only been sick for a couple of years. I hadn't tried enough. Had to keep trying. Now, I'm ready for the narcotic maintenance, but how do you do it correctly? I am finally at the point that just popping pills sounds so easy and simple. I know it's not that simple. I was seeing a pain management specialist who believed in my migraines. When after 6 months none of his "cures" worked he stopped believing in my pain. Every new doctor has to start at the beginning and re-invent the wheel. They seem to overlook the long list of my medical histories and treatment failures and numerous CT scans and MRIs. I was told I failed treatment by the Pain Management Doc. I, personally, did not FAIL. My BODY failed to respond to HIS treatment plan. I want relief and belief. I received a botttle of Oxycontin last week and have tried it twice now. It doesn't relieve the pain, it hasn't even lessened the pain. I will my body to respond to medications. However, I have no control. Migraines make you feel as if you've lost your mind and control of your life. Just dope me up and give me a couple of weeks off from life. Please.

Let's just say I haven't been feeling up to par lately and lacking sleep is seriously catching up with me. I never knew sleeping could be sooo hard. I've cut out caffeine after noon, tried every prescription aid on the market, lay down in total darkness, take melatonin nightly, listen to relaxing classical music. What else is there???? Anyway, enough of that. This post is pretty utilitarian. The first few photos are for a lady I only know as Muggle. So...

Dear Muggle,

Here is a picture of your purple scarf in progress. It's five inches wide. I can make it skinnier or fatter. So do you want it skinny (like my very slim sister) or do you want it more plump (like me-a very round size 2X)? And, no way am I posting a picture of me!!! I can make it super skinny (say 3")- think anorexic :)

And here is a swatch (sample) of the orange and blue yarn. There is a tint of green in the orange yarn it doesn't show in the real world as much as the green shows in the picture. Go figure the wonderful magic of the camera. Somehow no one makes a single yarn that is both orange and blue. In person the blue is very dominant and the bit of green actually blends into the blue. I don't mind mailing you a sample if you prefer. Oh plus, if disappointed I will take the finished scarf back and keep it for me. I aim to please, I don't take dislike personally, no really I don't ;)

And the final pic of the day is just to torment my sister in front of the whole world. I always say she reminds me of JarJar Binks. I know, it's cruel. Continuing with the cruelty..she is tall and a bit gangly and walks like a duck. Which is absurdly something we share in common. Here, I should mention that I wore 3" heels to dinner and did my most respectful immitation of a duck teetering on stilts. Oh, I am one mean sister!! Okay, I promise to take the picture down once the sis sees it and probably screams at me tomorrow morning. Oh, the pains of being sisters. Okay, so maybe I'll leave the picture up for just a few days...then again, Lacy-lew may never speak to me again. Since the family all knows I can't stand not to talk this would drive me crazy in a very short amount of time. I probably deserve it for this little stunt. Why oh why can't I just be satisfied that I mailed the pic to her cleverly disguised as a "You're my favorite Sister" card. The evil of it all. Does it count if I blame this on my husband?? It was after all his idea and his creation. Probably not.

I love you, Lacy!! tee hee Really, I mean it. I wuv u!