Yet once again, I am up in the middle of the night due to a migraine. I am so exhausted words cannot convey my torment and pain. I feel my pain tolerance getting lower by the week, day, hour, every minute. I have always been known for my high pain tolerance. Let's just say that after almost 7 years of solid, nonstop pain, my tolerance is slipping. Just keep trudging through the muck and madness of it all.
Family.
Where would we be without them? Migraines don't just impact my life, they also affect my family. They who also are my support group. They encourage me to hang in there and not give up hope. My mom once told me that childbirth would seem easy as opposed my migraines. And she would know because she suffers from them too. Unfortunately, I will never get to experience childbirth. My husband and I really wanted children...then I got sick. There are so many things that have changed in life. It's taken me years to look at a friend's baby and not feel green with envy. I know my hubby would be the best dad; we have missed out on so much. We just try to go with the flow now. You see, it affects more than just me. My husband has to be the most marvelous, understanding, and patient man I have ever met. He sticks by me. He sits for hours in the Emergency Room in the middle of the night and still makes it to work the next morning. Countless times he's had to leave work to pick up prescriptions, take me to doctor appointments, and or make an emergency run for a rescue shot at my neurologist's office. He takes it all in stride, but I worry. I see the effect that my migraines have had on him. He suffers from depression, especially in the winter. It doesn't help that he lives with someone who lives like a vampire with all the curtains pulled tight and no lights on in the house until dark, if even then. Some days he has to attempt to watch TV with the volume one notch above mute because it seems to be screaming at me. He deals with the "pissy mood" that precedes many of my most powerful migraines. He often sees the signs of a massive one coming on before I do. I get very short tempered and easily offended (for no reason if you wanna take his side). I see him struggle to keep his sanity some days. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, and still loves me. I find that amazing. I do what I can but sometimes I feel so helpless.
Some days it's all I can do to get up and move around because my head pounds with every step. You get up and the pain surges. You walk and the pain surges. You stop walking and the pain surges. They are so powerful that I have to stop and grab the wall or double over until the surge passes. I'm frozen. Stricken with pain. Some day's just walking down the hall to the bathroom is agonizing and I'm out of breath (trust me when I say my hall is not long). My husband has to watch this day in and day out and there's nothing he can do. I know he wants to help. Everyone in my family wants to help. They patiently listen while I tell them how crappy my day has been, and yet, they still find words to comfort and encourage me. I see the pain and worry in all of their faces. I try not to feel the guilt. I put on a happy face; they see right through it. They all know that there will be days I won't be able to go anywhere. I will miss multiple family gatherings, or I will have to cut the visit short to lay down and take some medication or put a shot in my leg. I appreciate that they don't take it personally and understand that I'm trying my damnedest to be and feel normal. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit HUMAN! I have four nephews that graduated in the past 6 years. I've only made one graduation, only to have to make an early exit due to the noise, VERY bright lights and loud music. I watch them all feel helpless, wanting to do something to ease my pain, but at a loss for what to do. I know they wish they could make them go away. Family becomes very perceptive about some things. My mom and sister know that I talk entirely too much. If I don't call on a daily basis, they're calling me to check in and see what's wrong. They both have this weird migraine intuition that tells them: no call means bad head! Not good.
It's sometimes hard to sit back and observe your family's concern for you and not feel that twinge of guilt. I wish I could do more. I want to do more. I try to do more. They wish they could do more. I wish I didn't have to cancel once again! They wish that I don't cancel plans again. But the more I go, the more I hurt. The more I hurt, the less I go. It's a vicious cycle. I don't know what I'd do without them. Without their love and support I know I would never have made it through the last 7 years. I could never have made it alone. They care. They love. They hope. That gives me hope. And I thank God everyday for each and every one of them.
Re-Greetings
11 years ago