Emore the engrish!
You gotta give the Chinese some credit for attempting to get every sign in English before the Olympics. Somehow I think they missed it on that one. Some things just don't translate well.
I love it!!
Here's my rambling thought process of the day:
I finally gave in to my SIL insistence's that I look into Facebook. I assumed it was up there with MySpace and shunned it like the plague. After finally going there, I found out it's not half bad. I found some old friends. I only said hello to two of them. Heard back from one that I haven't seen since early college. Pretty cool. I like how you can keep your profile as private as you would like. Gotta give the SIL some credit. Cool place.
My hubby got on there too and threw a sheep at me today. Who knew? What a perfect thing to throw a knitter. Get out the shears, look out wool, here I come.
This got me thinking, "why do I not want to contact many old friends?" I thought it through for a bit. This is my conclusion: It's because the first thing they're going to ask me is how are you? or what do you do now? I find it embarrassing to admit that I don't work and I am sick. I don't want people to think I want their sympathy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. This is just what life has thrown me, a curve ball. I love being able to explore my creative side and spend time doing the crafts that I love. I hope they can see that. I may have an illness, but I am by no means unhappy! I have a wonderful husband, great family, and very caring friends and great knitting buddies (my peeps). Sure, I have some days where I am down or mad and exhausted from all the pain, that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life. I love my life and the people in it.
I told my friend from high school band I was re-married. I assumed he knew that my first marriage didn't stick, it actually STUNK! I assume everyone knows that. People placed bets on how long it would last. I'm sure some people got rich off that bet. That's one of the downfalls of growing up in a small town and doing something entirely stupid. Everyone knows! Gossip runs rampant!
I learned early on after my divorce that people don't know what to say to you right after a divorce. I never knew if they were going "I told you so"(because they should have) or if they just had no idea of how to act around a very young divorcee (I was about 22). Yep, I had failed and I did it like a great big, fabulous bellyflop. SPLAT.
Divorce is hard. There's just that odd tension all around you and you know "everyone knows what you did". In small towns everyone talks. This is when you find out who your real friends are. Of course you'll lose some good friends because they were your ex's friends first. Comes with the territory, I miss them, but I eventually had to move on and restart my life. I miss a lot of those friends and still think about them fondly, but I know I wasn't at my finest during those years. I hope they know that too.
It's really hard to describe going through a divorce and not sound angry about it. I'm really at peace with my divorce, I would just rather think of it as going through a psychotic phase from the age of 17-24. That's much easier than admitting I was a total idiot. At least in retrospect. If only I knew then what I know now. I had a moment about a week before my first marriage when I really wanted to back out. I had a bad feeling about it, but I was terrified that my parents had spent all that money and all those invitations had been sent out, everyone had made plans to come. I can't tell you how much I regret 1) wasting that perfect wedding with the wrong guy and 2) not being strong enough to back out. I was young & scared. I confused what would have been the intelligent choice with what I thought was just cold feet. Oh, to be able to see the future.
I wouldn't change the experiences of those years, because I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm a stronger person. I know I can survive most anything, even when it seems that the world has come to an end. It hasn't! And I learned to focus on just being me and not trying to fit in or try to be what others want me to be. I learned to just be me, and how to just love being me. It was a hard lesson, but I tell my husband that without a bad marriage, I would never have been able to appreciate a good one as much as I do now. I know what it's like to be married to someone who doesn't want you, and I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it is to be married to someone who loves ME. I don't think there was much Love in the first marriage, just young stupidity. Because I finally "found myself", I know my husband loves me for just being me, because that's the person he met and fell in love with.
Now, I have a theory that no one should get married until they are at least 25. That feels like forever when you're 18, but by the time you turn 25 you will have found your place in the world. I don't think you should go into a marriage, until you know where you're going on the road of life. You know the old adage: Don't run before you can walk. Mom once told me she thought about talking to me about getting into that first marriage too quickly, but she knew I was at a rebellious stage which meant I would do exactly the opposite of what she wanted me to do. I look back and wonder, 'would I have listened?' I like to think yes, but I look back now and realize she was probably right.
Therefore, my Zen thoughts come to these simple conclusions:
1) youth is definitely wasted on the young
2) as we grow older we grow wiser
3) don't regret what you've done--learn from it
4) listen to that inner voice or you'll live to regret it
and finally,
5) forgive and forget!
Okay, I don't think I've accomplished #5 very well. I have forgotten and somewhat forgiven, but I don't think I'm very good at it. I've forgotten most of it. In fact I think of my marriage now as my first because my actual first one never felt like a Real marriage. What I have now is a Marriage. What I had then was ......well, I don't know what it was. I wish I could say I have happy memories of it all, but I have very few memories at all. I believe that is known as selective memory. To be quite honest, I literally burned every picture of those years. (My sister was my witness -I'm pretty sure she thought I had lost my mind). I know I should be all Zen and go "I forgive you" but, hey, he never asked so I guess I skipped that step. I don't really harbor ill feelings toward him, but I don't exactly have any warm fuzzy wishes for him either. Heck, I still have nightmares about him. I await the day that my subconscious self finally lets go of him and releases me from those dreams. I always wake up and thank God I'm dreaming. This is probably why I should forgive and forget. I'll talk to my subconscious about it someday. This is what therapy is for, at least I get my money's worth out of my therapist. Lovely! :)
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I went to bed last night and felt I really needed to go back and add one thought about my ex. I may not say fabulous things about him, but I should at least give him compliments on this: he had impeccable taste in friends. He had a knack for making friends that were fabulous people and devoted friends. I imagine that bunch of childhood friends will not easily be parted by distance or time. They were a close-knit bunch and I imagine they still are today.
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